Masks. We all learn to wear them. Early on in life, we learn to cover up our disappointments and hurts by laughing it off..."Yeah, you're right, it's not really a big deal"..."I was just kidding"...When in reality, part of us has been wounded and we're trying to cover it up. We don't want to be vulnerable. "Don't let anyone hurt you", our masks scream at us. "Use me to cover your feelings...you can hide behind me. Do whatever it takes: smile, laugh, joke, be bad, be perfect...be whatever people want to see, because that's what they will believe." We feel safe behind our masks. "Of course I don't care"..."that doesn't affect me", we tell our friends. We don't want to let them see our feelings, because what would they do about them anyway? Eventually we decide that we're better off just handling our feelings by ourselves. Cover everything with a mask. If everyone expects you to laugh, then laugh. Laugh even when you feel like crying, because it's never safe to cry...not unless you're all alone, and you have to cry by yourself.

Eventually, it becomes habit, and we don't even realize that our responses aren't actually how we feel...but we've trained ourselves to respond positively (or in whichever way is expected), no matter if that's the truth or not. Life becomes easier with the mask. So much easier, in fact, that when someone invites you to remove the mask, it is terrifying. "NO!" your mask screams. "Don't you remember all the work you've put into making me perfect? I fit your face exactly. You don't know what they'll say or do when they see what's really behind the mask; I don't even think you know anymore. Don't do it - it'll be too hard."

And so you keep on the mask. But...there are people in your life who are begging you to remove it....to show them what's really going on inside of you...the truth that the mask is hiding. They reassure you that it doesn't matter what you're hiding; they will still love you. And so you're caught in a battle. On one side, you want to be rid of the mask; it sounds so gloriously freeing to remove it and be exposed for who you know you really are. But, on the other side, you are trying desperately to keep the mask in place. The risk is too great...the stakes too high. It's easier to keep the mask. It's more comfortable. It feels more safe. But you realize that you must come to a decision.

Risk. Vulnerability. Truth. These words and the implications that go with them are terrifying to you. "How can I risk being vulnerable and probably rejected because of it?", you ask. On the other hand...how can I risk keeping the mask on my face?...on my heart?...on my soul??? I do long to be known....to be seen for who I really am...to really be known deeply - not just as I'm perceived, but as who I really am deep inside. Yes, that is what I really want. It sounds tempting. Yes, hard - extremely hard. But...what if I get hurt again? Isn't that why I put on the mask in the first place - to protect myself from being hurt? And it worked exactly as it was supposed to. So much less feeling...so much less pain. I don't know what I'll do if I get hurt after I take off the mask. The best and only way I've ever known to handle pain has been to not feel it - to not let if affect me. I don't know if I can handle pain. I don't want it. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to be weak.

So many thoughts and feelings. Feelings? I never used to be able to feel this deeply. It...hurts. But I think it's ok...yeah, I'm actually starting to be ok with feeling pain again. Pain...my heart hurts...the mask is decaying. Sometimes I desperately want it to stay...I still want to hide. It feels more safe. But...I'm realizing that there's real safe and counterfeit safe. The mask was my counterfeit safe. It only lied to me about the deep security it could bring me. Now that I'm losing the mask...oh, I feel alive again! I feel like it's ok to cry. I still cry alone...I probably always will. But I do know that there are safe people with whom I can cry when I need to. And the wounds....it still hurts to feel the wounds...But I've found that they never become healed unless they are felt again...and embraced. Embraced as a part of my past and how they have affected who I am today...but then...let go...healed.

I had always been sensitive and perceptive to people who are masking who they really are and what is going on inside of them. I prided myself on being able to see through that to the person inside. But when I myself was told that I'm wearing a mask, I was appalled - of all things! me, wearing a mask. I thought that I was good...that my heart was transparent and that I was close to perfect. After all...I was so good. But...God is a God of truth. It is impossible to be purified in His fire and still retain the mask. Yes, it is fire, and yes, it is excruciatingly painful. But...feeling pain means being alive - killing pain means killing all other feelings as well. I've decided that feeling the pain is worth it. It's impossible to feel true joy if we have not allowed ourselves to feel pain.

Masks. These words were screaming to be released from inside of me...to be set free in writing. For it is not only because of my own journey that I have written, but because of the masks I see all around me. So many kids...teenagers, especially...they laugh at others...they laugh at themselves...but what are they actually feeling? Their guard starts to be let down when they're in a safe place for a time, but as soon as they are gone, the mask is harder and tougher than ever. How can they be released? It breaks my heart. But I cannot simply rip the mask off of their face...it must be allowed to be destroyed. And I know this will only happen when they are safe. When it's safe to relax. When they know they are loved. When they realize that who they are without the mask really is who they were created to be, and is much more beautiful than the person whom the mask has created. I long for them to be freed from the mask; to break it and shatter it into a million pieces. I love seeing the mask crack and let out a small piece of the real person. I love being able to love them with the intense love of Jesus - the love that will not let them go. For He is the only place that will always be safe...always available...always true.

Jesus. Oh Jesus, break the masks. Your love is more powerful...the masks will never be able to stand up to You. You have come to heal the brokenhearted. Please continue to break us, dear Jesus. Life with You is infinitely better than life with the masks. Make them see that, God...may they not be able to ignore that fact. And may I never, ever, ever again...be satisfied with the mask.